Reckless Love – When A Song Could Melt Your Heart to Repentance

Ah, Sunday celebration, sometimes when you keep going for communal church services you sometimes it can numb you to regularity and you sway towards clock in, clock out religious acts .

But today, today was slightly different for me.

I almost wanted to skip church today because I was feeling so meh the whole week but I knew I couldn’t just stay at home that could have just gotten worse in isolation.

And it was also missions month emphasis for the church.

All was just quite the norm when the music and praise just started…

Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice!
could have pushed me through, but it didn’t…


Until this song came in that caught my attention.

This song that was written by Cory Asbury and published through Bethel Music caught my attention especially how it amplifies the Father’s love in Christ Jesus

Before I took a breath, You breathed Your life in me
You have been so, so kind to me

Imagine when you were still in your mother’s womb, you have not taken the first breath in this forsaking world (these days), your life was breathed into by the Creator of the universe.

I couldn’t earn it, and I don’t deserve it, still, You give Yourself away
Oh, the overwhelming, never-ending, reckless love of God, yeah

Oh how ironic when we start to live in this world, let’s face it; we did not grow up sinless.

  • The little tiny bit if selfishness when you hope you can have more than others when the dish was your favourite.
  • How you kind of twist your parents’ arms when you tried to get things your way with pleading and maybe even threw a fit when it doesn’t go your way when were so young that you could not even remember.
  • How you hate or even jealous over some things / friend perhaps, over what you do not have.
  • How you said a white lie just so you do not get yourself into trouble.
  • How you start to judge what others should have known when you see injustice happens; as if you are better than the person(s) who made the offence…

yes, all these tiny faults that it seems normal, righteous even to your own justification; but they were not right in the eyes of the Holy God.

Tod White, a very lost but very found strong believer once said
“if you want to get what you deserve, you deserve hell in the real judgement of God; but Christ came and first died for us so that we do not have to face it.”

No one man could earn their way to eternal peace.

Whether you like it or not.

When I was Your foe, still Your love fought for me
You have been so, so good to me
When I felt no worth, You paid it all for me
You have been so, so kind to me

How many out there who did not know Him, or even did, denied Him, could still walk on earth peacefully and (most of them) without harm while they continue to blaspheme the absence of the Love of God?

Yet you did not see any lightning strike down every time a person speak out of hatred of the existence of God.

And how many out there, especially those who literally went through hell , carried the burden of guilt and self-condemnation, and even attempted to commit suicide, realised that they could still breathe and open their eyes and have another chance to live, have a chance to find their way hometo a peace that surpasses all understanding, all because of the finished work of cross that was (heavily) pre-paid 2,000 years prior their birth?

Yes… Even when we felt that the world has abandon us who felt less worthy of others, the price was paid, for us

That was when I felt His love shouting out into my spirit, calming the storms in my head with His assurance

…I will never leave you, nor forsake you

(Deuteronomy 31:6b)

There’s no wall You won’t kick down
Lie You won’t tear down
Coming after me

Oh how when we feel so unworthy, we walled up ourselves in order to protect ourselves being hurt from the world again, there’s a reckless love of God will pursue you until your heart is made whole again.

That, is Agape (unconditional) love,

that up till now, the closest resemblance of a human’s love towards another is the love of a parent who would do anything for his / her beloved child.

There’s only One has fully exercised it without restrain.

Sometimes you don’t need a huge bunch of list of songs to get you to re-tuned to goodness and positivity; sometimes it is just one song that speaks to your heart that would thoroughly shine through all the darkness that attempt to choke your life away.

At least, this song today, spoke to my heart.

I hope those who are struggling silently would find this song nourished for your aching soul, and know that when you think that no one in the world left who can understand you; there’s One out of this world, can.

The youtube above has the lyrics. I hope its words brings you life.

Doing the Right Thing for the Wrong Reasons

The last 7 days was a time to reflect whenever I had a chance to reflect in life. From books (including the Bible) to recently speaking to someone who regardless of our age difference has brought much insights in my journey of life.

Including why I have taken the time to write on this public permanent platform; which I can never be able to take back the words I put down; as if written on stones (as long as the Internet and the witness nodes lives, very grateful for their effort).

I have been trying to realign my thoughts lately, in personal life, work life and what I truly wanted. And this morning with the Grace of God I was able to chat with someone who has recently have a really serious head concussion, unable to do what she wanted to do anymore, limited with time due to her much need of rest; but yet, still has that fire and passion in her heart.


Partly because she also recently found her Ikigai – The reason of Being.


We, from the moment we were conceived in our mother’s wombs, have a purpose in life.

Often times we stumble across our years without really grasping the true reason. Hence most of the time we will just be drawn to all sides just to be able to feel the reason of living.

It can be from a vision, a material, recognition, even a person; that usually is not because what we truly wanted inside; because if it does, even without a positive outcome we would still be enjoying what we do and not running off to find something else to fill the emptiness that is inside of us that is supposed to surge from inside, unlimited, and overflowing.


This includes faith.


Wait… Why? Wouldn’t God be enough? Isn’t it good to live for God?

Yes it does. Only when you live for the right reasons.


Because in Christianity, unlike any other faith and religion, is a relationship lifestyle. It’s exactly like having a relationship with someone you love; and often times, you can do the right things for the wrong reason – in order to belong.


It is no different when a person (regardless of religion or faith) tries to fit in into a crowd just to feel – belonged.


From praise worthy fame; or just for a glimpse of Heaven.


What’s wrong with that? Isn’t it important to see open Heaven?


Yes it is not wrong; unless you are doing that just to satisfy your crave – like a shot up.


Just like helping out someone, prayers, care acts even – what are you doing those for? So that you can boast it in this public platform; or something that you will keep doing because you know you can and you know that some people will just need that small spark of hope without any feedback even.


That is where you will see whether you are doing this for the right / wrong reasons.


And how you can keep going even when there is no one looking back at you and say, “well done!”


Or with gifts, a pat on the back, adoration, and so much more.


You no longer be driven by fear, rejection, isolation even; and you are very clear what is right and what is wrong in the laws of nature.


( Of course, if those actually do come without you even expecting it, then that is the bonus you have in life)

Because everything that comes out, comes within you, the source of your being, when you know exactly who you are.


Just like a little child who knows exactly who they are in his / her parents’ eyes.


Only one who still have a huge question mark in his / her head be trying to do all sorts of things (or worse, not doing anything at all)…


Maybe these can be some of the questions you can ponder:


– Am I waiting for someone to just say well done?

– Am I doing this just for the sake of obtaining what I can have?

– What if that something I am currently doing / currently having is being stripped away from me; will I still be able to continue a brand new path with the same believes in me? Or do I feel that I can never be able to live another day?


If you are saying yes to all the 3 questions above, then you are just going onto default mode. Fitting in wherever you can, moving along the waves and dictated by its uplifting / destructive force.


My dear reader, you are not made to fit in, you are made to stand out.

pinched from Jim Caviezel


Everyone is very unique, and nature proves it right.


Look at your finger prints. Not one person in this world will be the same as yours.


But many of you (including myself) will never see this as a revelation until we find our core purpose in life. And some would simply point it out as – passion.


Not the distorted ones that you are doing for the sake of approval. You do it anyway no matter how many times you fail.


You just keep moving forward, picking what you learned be it achievement or failure, and press forward; you know what you are doing.

Below is a clip shared by my friend explains more about what passion is; where she used the Ikigai Method that is done by multiple times with a Life Coach of you need to. I know a few of the motivation / Life coaches in #teammalaysia would be more than happy to show you.


I hope those who are stumbling in life would be able to find it useful; and even if you DO stumble, be of good cheer, you can still stand up again because life is not at the end of the road yet.

Review: Gems out of Africa booklet series

When it comes into books out of Africa, for certain group of people’s mindset, there have certain reservation and comments they’d always like to give before even looking into it; even for Christian community.

Maybe certain prejudice has  been formed from the few bad apples in the basket; but one must take on any material with an open mind and always counter check it back with the source – non other than the Good Book, the bible.

Wasn’t there a written word that spoke of it?

Do not treat prophecies with contempt, but test all things. Hold fast to what is good. – 1 Thessalonians 5:20-21

So today, I finally found time to review what I have been combing through these easy-to-read booklets after going through the recent Ignite night rally and of course, tested through all the scriptures Rev John has been explaining and preaching before deciding to get these 3 books.

Honestly, I love to read; but as age catches up and there are just more and more things to juggle, reading has pretty much gotten to the back of my list and sometimes, I still slip and slide even opening the bible for an extensive read.

@chloephuan93 and @aikido.hung of course has witness the decaying of my mental state whenever I rush too much and lack of good input daily, so it was a perfect time to realign myself with some really easy read materials to kick-start my brain again (as per Dr. Caroline Leaf said. I’ll talk more about what I discover from her sharing later)

So what was my take away out of these few booket in the series?

Opening the Portals of Prayer

I must say this series is a very specialised book especially for believers; but it also touches on how when things go really well all things fall apart concept in the spiritual realm. So for those who sometimes tend to say, “Why??? Why God??? Why now when everything is working so well??” this little booklet would have given the clues to it.

Another eye opening part especially for those who are very dedicated to intense prayer life is the explanation of disturbances or distractions that comes by that will just love to throw you off your focus; especially when it speaks about the Armour of God, just like when you go for battle, a lost of a gear or even a split second off focus could jeopardize a lot.

My personal take from this is when Dr. John was mentioning this:

The Bible calls them the armour of God. It is not our armour; it is God’s armour. When we use it, we allow God to fight on our behalf.

Now a lot of religious practices always emphasize on you to do all the work, which can be rather pressured (for performance); but in the Christianity concept, we get engage in our prayer life without the stress of pressure, allowing us to focus much more knowing that we are not alone in any battlefield.

The nice part is that many religious book out there would pretty much touch this topic in the sense that you may not be good enough; but the author emphasise that while it is essential to practice a discipline prayer life, there are still room for improvements.

After identifying the cause in the spiritual realm, it is also to understand how to strategies your thoughts and “know your chess moves.

One more note on this booklet: For those who believe in light and darkness, yin and yang, good and evil; the force and the dark forceyes; darkness is real. Very real; and churches out there who are still slumbering and preoccupied with number of attendance KPI should really look deep into this topic.

The Abrahamic Strategies

Would be your next book to touch upon, and how you understand the meaning and importance of prayer altars; in both side of light and darkness.

And you know some places when you say that you would go to this place and you can either feel peace / something weird or even eerie despite of the place may not have regular frequency of people, the booklet gave a simple yet straightforward explanation to it.

Love Covers A Multitude of Sins

… can say is one of my favourite of all 3, simply because perhaps my family have been going through a lot the past years and this little booklet not only explains on situation when people disappoint us especially with something that truly damaging, see it in God’s point of view and how we can overcome that judgmental thought and see with compassionate eyes.

Just today I have heard of a very young talented woman who ended her life, she can be very wrongly perceived or not even being compassionately viewed in a strict Asian society, especially by the elderly; but this booklet helped many to understand the struggles of fallen individuals who took on their lives themselves with their limited and erroneous mindset, and how to compassionately and persevere to reach out to them with no prejudice eyes.

I personally have struggling love ones and yes when they reacted not as I have expected I did felt betrayed and was unable to tackle what is in their mind; but this tiny little compact book gave me many encouragement not to give up as no human is regarded as beyond help as long as they are still alive.

Overall, there are actually 9 booklets in the whole series, some are even more spiritual including family and nation building; and although I only got hold on 3 of them I felt that it was good enough to kick-start of a renewal mindset on how my spiritual walk should step out henceforth.

If you ever get a chance to get hold on this series, especially for a believer, do have am open heart to read it and know that every page was written with love and edification and correction.

I hope you find this review curious enough to compel you to purposefully spot this series out, as much as I have been very blessed reading them.

Are You Ready to be Tested?

It’s been days I have been trying to write something, but the chain of events in my real life happening all over has been pretty overwhelming; nevertheless as long as we kept pushing forward and not losing sight in life any storm can be overcome – especially faith wise.

A lot of people on Earth always wished that things would go smoothly in life; great family upbringing, open doors to great career, meet the right partner, enjoy great friends, eat whatever we want, work whenever we want… you know, The Good Life; like a well oiled engine that will never stop.

But that kind of life is just a plateau, a boring state even; and humans, like any other living created thing, deep inside will never be truly satisfied even though one will slide into complacency.

Even a tree needs to be pruned to yield healthy leaves and bare fruit. Because if you are a gardener, you would have noticed that un-pruned trees, the leaves will grow old, and it becomes lifeless and dies off.

My recent lemon tree that I thought it almost died unable to weather the May – July heat (because I let it run its own course with just some water and fertilizer), now started to bare new leaves and it is healthy and lively again.

So it is the same as you and me.

In John 15:2, Jesus mentioned,

“Every branch in Me that does not bear fruit, He takes away; and every branch that bears fruit, He prunes it so that it may bear more fruit. “

So do not be surprise that when you think you have the good life, God is not allowing trials to come their way to test your endurance; not to punish you for enjoying life, but to train you to weather storms of life that can hit you any time.

And this happened to my own family.

I must admit, this seems a little drama, right?
From mom’s surgery, to another surgery; relationship challenges and financial trials – and these are just the tip of the iceberg.

But this is where that I know, that I have something to learn, to improve. Greater things awaits in the future but if I am going to face it with my current capacity, God knows I will not be able to handle it.

Before I go further:
If you think that Christianity is a fast track to a great life and abundance only, boy you are in for a surprise.

Any preacher that only emphasis this is only shown you part of how living in Christ is all about.

Even in the secular society when you are entrusted a higher position in the market place, or even to expand your business (for example), requires to even re-learn, re-set your mind just to handle greater providence at hand.

Nothing is ever smooth sailing, so don’t even start thinking that Christianity is a bed of roses. No sir, it can be an exact opposite.

But the best part is that you are going to be more equipped to head on in life and live even a much bigger better life; one season to another.

And right now, as I am writing this down, this shaking will not just only to be be, I can see that whoever that thinks that they have reached the mark, be ready for more: Especially churches.

To revive, sometimes is to be ready to be re-built.

Are you ready tests of life at hand to get you through to level up mode, just like in those games you got to have a big battle before you are powered up?

I hope this revelation gives light to many out there who kept wondering why life is so hard and is this ever gonna end; the thing is, perhaps, the next turning of rough roads, is a great prize waiting for you.

De-clutter the Past – Pressing Forward to the Future

Ah, moving… It’s both a new adventure and a nightmare, a bitter-sweet of both emotions, especially you have no idea what you gotten yourself into while you hoard onto things over the years.

Especially when you are rushing against time trying to get the room ready for beds to roll in for your beloved family members.

This really  make me think twice about buying stuffs in the future…nightmare

However despite of the nightmares of unpacking, for some people it is actually quite a nostalgic feel especially when you get to go through your past and see how far you have come.

Other times, it could also be something that you either have forgotten or something you wished you never need to look at it again.

For me, it was a mixture of everything.

Haha… I couldn’t even remember when did I draw this… maybe in the early 2000s…

There were great memories combing through old photos and see how I grew and how weird looking I was during my days growing up (ah you know the 80s and 90s hair styles), for me there were also something that I have totally overlooked and never would have imagined how dark I was at the time.

It made me wonder did I truly meant the words I used on my diary, or what I went through at the time was so destructive that it is now a clear reminder that I should be grateful that I am dead to that past, that I am already a new person just as I just shared over a week ago.

However while I comb through even more things that I have totally buried (but still kept aside) I no longer felt as victorious as I have felt before while facing the monster of the past in me. I was staring at the eye of something that wished to consume me into a certain darkness that I wished no one average girl should have gone through; and there was a good few hours that I totally have lost track of Christ.

I felt I was no saint redeemed by my Saviour at the time.

That was until a sharing on YouTube from The Last Reformation snapped me out of my dark distraction…

“God is not there to show you that you are a bad person, He is there in desire to set you free.”

“Half of the time those who are Born Again who were not able to live a freed life is because there are still some sin that was consciously or unconsciously hoarded deep inside of them, something that they should have left it dead while they die with Christ and rose with Christ.” (paraphrased)

Oh how true this one statement is, when one only believed, not grasped the full meaning of it and literally not walk through what the Word of God has truly declared in his / her life.

I kept that dark part of me buried in the pile of boxes I kept for years.

Ignorant, insecure, demotivated, self-doubt, angry, dark and destructive, self-pride and rebellious.

90% of my sketches I found at the time reflected how I felt while I struggled through my teenage years (except the happy funny one at the top).

And then the testimony of a renown worship leader, her words rang deep inside me as she shared a paraphrased testimony that relates to the scriptures in Romans 6…

What then shall we say? Shall we continue in sin so that grace may increase? By no means! How can we who died to sin live in it any longer? Or aren’t you aware that all of us who were baptized into Christ Jesus were baptized into His death? We therefore were buried with Him through baptism into death, in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead through the glory of the Father, we too may walk in newness of life.

For if we have been united with Him like this in His death, we will certainly also be raised to life as He was. We know that our old self was crucified with Him so that the body of sin might be rendered powerless, that we should no longer be slaves to sin. For anyone who has died has been freed from sin.

Now if we died with Christ, we believe that we will also live with Him. For we know that since Christ was raised from the dead, He cannot die again; death no longer has dominion over Him. The death He died, He died to sin once for all; but the life He lives, He lives to God. So you too must count yourselves DEAD to sin, but alive to God in Christ Jesus.

The Holy Spirit gave a full slap at the silly head of mine

Dead to sin; alive to God.

What was past was – past. When one chooses to the baptism of death to the past and rose again totally new to the future, it isn’t just a ritual, it isn’t just a declaration to the public; it is as it is.

The old self is already dead the moment I let it die in the water while I rose to a new life that is clothed on me.

If one still wish to keep the past he/she is supposed to have buried, then one is either denying the new life, or simply forgotten what is written on the scriptures are real and not just some holy word written almost 2,000 years ago.

So out those old manga sketches go, most of them, along with the poisonous words I wrote while I was still a lost angry teen, all into the shredder, chucked into the paper recycle bag, and out it goes from my house.

These soul consuming past that I chose to let go 12 years ago, it is time they are gone forever.

Every shred of those past was a detox of my soul, ready for a new life that God has prepared for me.

I’d probably still have some more sketches / diary that is lying around but it doesn’t consume me anymore. Even for a short moment I get distracted again, knowing the fact that the Word is alive in me would just reboot and flush the corrupted system gives me the confidence to just keep – going forward.

If this sharing has reminded you that there are some things that you know, if you are a born again Chist-ian, should already be totally buried but it is still cling in you – even as simple as an overlooked character: self-pride, or even someone that is keeping you a step backward from living a full life, then perhaps it is time to let the Holy Ghost have some clean house literally and in you too.

It’s nothing to be ashamed or self-bashing if that happens, because many of us are literally oblivious that this is the very fact that we kept wondering why we aren’t living as victorious as we should be.

Setting My Happiness on Hold… For the Sake of What is More Important – Redemption of two lives

This sounds like an idiot in love writing this…

Maybe it is.

But let this notation be burnt in this blockchain forever; and maybe, when I look back at this many years later, it is either a #prayer-request answered , or God has a better way.

Either way, I leave it to the One Who has a higher way and higher thoughts than me

paraphrased from Isaiah 55:8 – 9

Not the one who thinks that he will make a choice for me when I am in this somewhat torn up situation.

Many people do not know about my love life, simply because I never really mentioned it.

Half of the time people listen to this story, probably before I could say anything, this is their answer.

“excuse me, sorry to say this. BUT ARE YOU FOR REAL?”

Yes. This is a real story.

Only those who has been so consumed in their daily lives and daily happiness would have splat that question right at my face and would have thought I am the biggest idiot in the world.

Maybe I am.

But I know for the fact if God placed someone in your life and pulled you both through for 20 years of friendship, love, support and with a few times of friction in between (yes we broke up before); then God has a great lesson for us both to learn in life.

All my life I have been living in defiance (so to speak), never live in the norm . Materialistic and worldly pleasure, name and success is never in my dictionary.

Probably because I carried a burden for 30 years before I was saved , redeemed , washed and made whole for the next 12 years.

Throughout those years, I have always have this mindset that I just do not fit into any category of people. I’d probably be totally fine alone…

Until I met one who just decided look back at me with all my flaws and said, teasingly,

“I love you anyway”

Probably at the time he would have thought it’s just a fling sentence, and probably he would have used this same sentence on many other women who came and left in his life, probably equally broken along the way, hurt, disappointed, and many more…

…but never would have thought that THAT one small kind word could have lasted a friendship for 20 years.

And would have come to a point we both want to build a life together.

But there is a mountain right in front of our lives right now

You see, this person, did not walk through his life like any other normal man. 9-5 job, gets to hang out with his friends after work (well, he does get that occasionally, unless he is not telling me everything haha), goes to church to worship as he please (which most Christians in the free world so taken for granted for the privilege they are given).

Gets to live.

Or so he likes to point it out.

Ever since 2011 he has been in and out of war zones, with his weapons, dodging bullets, arresting bad people, doing things a human rights activist will cringe and squirm and yelled, “foul! foul!” , spent most of his time in desert and jungles, stayed awake on guard duty when the rest of the world is asleep…

…and getting PTSD for what he believed in fighting for.

This is something that will always upset me for the decisions these world leaders are making. Although we will always agree to disagree on this issue, but I will always respect his code of honor for that.

And probably at this point most of the people would have said,

“Why on earth do you want to entangle yourself with this kind of a person?”

And not chose an easier life: meet someone normal and start a family?

Well, if you have read my earlier paragraph, I am not the norm.

@chloephuan93 would probably testify I have the weirdest biggest heart she has ever seen; I am not THAT HOLY; and yeah, why not? It sounded romantic isn’t it? A live maybe many girls secretly wished they would have been through.

But oh, this is no fairy tale.

I just fell in love. Like any one would. Just to a totally different category kind of a person.

Maybe you can say that, “I like challenge.”

But all I could see was, this is an honorable person who has just gone through so much for something he can choose not to fight for, but he did it anyway.

Not many people is willing to put their life on the dangerous line for a world of people they do not know; moreover those who probably are (literally) ungrateful for it and just think they are there to rip off their sovereignty, just because these people totally see things not the same like the normal people do.

And now 20 years down the road, he has become someone who still loves me, but totally groomed into a different kind of mindset person.

But someone who deserves happiness too. Or are you quick to judge this person before you even get to know him simply because of what he does?

What war can do to a man… Only those who were once on the ground will know.

Isn’t it @derangedvisions ?

Another is someone who has lived with me from the day I was born.

Stubborn, pretty much finds me irritating when I used to cry a lot when we were young.

(The only person who managed to convinced me to eat a salted canned fish with his wildest most talented imaginable scenarios when there’s no other food available on the table – and I ended up loving the food till this day)

Who had to look after me when our parents have to work for hours till late at night just to put food on the table…

took part time jobs during school holidays…
(I too started giving tuition when I was in my teens just for an extra buck)

Who hated his life while growing up because of the lost of freedom – he had to be the big brother of the house while he could have been going out playing with his friends.

And who couldn’t wait get out of the house and see the world.

Who, didn’t have to go through hell on earth but equally had a hard time growing up, met the (not the most perfect) girl and decided to marry her anyways because he was being responsible to his choice, “I have made my bed, now I have to sleep on it.”

(Let’s not go there. It’s his life.)

Broken through his past decisions, became harder and behaved foolishly under pressure, and one who would rather walk on this earth his way .

A young boy who once totally love men in arms and what they stand for ; to a man who could pretty much do not really consider what his words could really damage people.

Who was once a loving brother (I know he still is but just using all the wrong ways to show it), but now totally turned into someone I feel sad watching from a distance hoping if he could just live a better life without materialism blinding him.

Both are the hard individuals who has very important impact of who I am today.

And both who because of one stupid comment, one big mouth (me), one hard heart… has now become one of the mountains I must break in Jesus Name for a hope of a peaceful communion.

Maybe it is because my fault that I never really shared my life to my brother about the man I am courting that caused this total misunderstanding that could have been easily avoided…

But what is done is done.

I am putting my happiness on hold…

I love both of them very differently but they are both my family, including my fiance even I have yet rendered my vows.

Both of them need a touch of miracle.

I am not asking God to change their hearts for my conveniences.

I am asking God to do the right thing for their happiness.


They both deserve the freedom in their mind. No matter how hard life thrown at them in totally both different ways, totally both different worlds, they both deserve joy and peace.

They both deserve to taste what I have tasted. The Goodness of God that turned my life around.

But I do sound a little selfish here… hoping that the two person can somehow find a common understanding and look pass hurts and for my sake, be at peace without walking away from this relationship. So that I can at least have a peaceful RoM.

For my sake, for my aging parents sake…

Because even if I end this 20 years relationship and totally overdue union (simply because war has driven us far apart) for my brother, it could just happen to any other relationship that comes along later in the future as long as this issue is not resolved.

This is a heart issue.

This is a miracle probably only divine can intervene.

And I hope, maybe, just maybe, this post will become a testimony of His Almighty many years down the road; no matter what the outcome is.

So I will keep my happiness on hold and keep lifting both of them in prayers. In whatever way, in silent, in darkness, whatever.

They both need this. They both need the Shalom peace…

That surpasses all understanding.

I am just keeping this log into the blockchain as both a reminder and maybe, to those who would like to stand along and pray along with this foolish lady with (apparently) a big heart.

Nevertheless… If I perish, I perish.

Thy will be done

Redeemed, and Reborn – Why I don’t Often Wear A Cross

“Why do you wear a star of David, baby?”

I never managed to answer this question to him when he saw it…

I guess when you read this title, and probably saw the question, there’s a first conclusionwould have jumped into your mind…

Let me be clear before I continue: I am not Jewish.

A lot of people when they first saw this symbol would have thought that I am in Judaism; but for those who truly know me personally would have said otherwise.

But why would I still not pick a cross to wear, but instead of wearing… this?


You see, wearing the cross is easy . It as come to a norm that even a non believer wears a cross because it resembled something meaningful that has been around for 2,000 years.

Others even wear it upside down simply showing defiance.
(I am not going to touch the topic there)

Instead, I chose to wear something that challenges me to remember something significant and also an object that would spark people’s curiosity. Most of the time when you see a cross from far away, you’d probably already have a certain mindset set on the person who’s wearing it.

Something perhaps would catch people off guard, maybe a little time to listen to my story

You see, no doubt Christianity is widely spread in evangelism by the Western countries especially during the British occupation throughout the world, I am not good at memorizing church history, and often Christianity is marked as a White man’s religion .

However often overlooked that Jesus was born in a Jewish society, the first nation that God had a covenant with…

And so call being called as “the chosen nation”

Ahem! Pardon my digression!
I did not mean to go that way, that wasn’t my intention.

Anyways, as Jesus was born into this Jewish society over 2000 years ago, because of the covenant that God had and the promise of a Savior (Messiah) to be born in Isaiah 53.

Hence the structure of this pendant was formed based on that promise, that was given to the Gentiles … and was called

“One New Man*”

(as in Adam in Hebrew – mankind)

It is closely related to what Apostle Paul mentioned in Ephesians 1:5-6

He predestined us for adoption to Himself as sons through Jesus Christ, according to the purpose of His will, to the praise of His glorious grace, with which He has blessed in the Beloved.

And through the menorah (the olive tree symbol for Jewish custom), through the Star of David (where it signifies the Messiah in Christian context), and the fish … represented quite a fair bit about how Jesus’ ministry emphasized the people He reached out are fishes who became fishers of men .

That’s a lot of theological mumbo-jumbo…


But to me, it is personal because it reminded me that because of Him Who came all the way to save me, used to be viewed more or less an outcast from the norm, a damaged rebel full of anger; clean me and fix me up, clothed me with a new heart and a new purpose with His righteousness (not mine), restored my brokenness bit by bit, glazed my cracks with His gold…

Like Kintsugi …

(a Japanese porcelain mending method)

but way much better …

…because my scars are all bore on my Saviour’s body for the sake of my freedom.

Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creation : old things are passed away; behold all things are become new.
2 Corinthians 5:17

Me wearing this gives me the daily reminder that I am no longer confined in my old hurts, old mistakes, old destructive habits, that condemn and ate me alive at one point; but been made brand new.

And also a story to tell how His Grace and His mercy has pulled me through for a little over a decade now.

Of course, I still occasionally wear the cross when I don’t wear this… I like to switch it and let the silver rest from my (occasionally) acidic sweat (haha)… too much coffee I suppose?

I was very blessed to have my friend who so happened did her pilgrimage in Israel and managed to get me in an affordable price; otherwise I won’t have the opportunity to tell my stories at present day.

I hope you have enjoyed reading my sharing as much as I have enjoyed preparing it.

Seeing What Others Do Not See – Compassion

5 days with no posts could be a lot of reasons:

  1. Busy with work
  2. Settling things aside
  3. Stuck with nothing to write

All these 3 applied to me the last few days as I have been tied up doing stuffs in the real world and also spending quality time with love ones; and sometimes when you spend too much time with people even with someone you love dearly, friction can always occur.

I won’t really want to write anything down here but it is interesting when one person sees an incident one way, and another person sees it in an opposite way; despite both agree that the situation was not rosy.

This morning when I was reading through devotional I came across this interesting piece when how Dr. Les Parrott (author of The Mindfulness of Jesus) spoke about how Jesus sees what others sees differently, with the famous example of the incident how a corrupted tax collector could have his mind and heart totally change with one house visitation in Jericho.

He pointed out something that truly strike my mind in how I was handling the friction situation between my love one and me.

The life of Jesus is filled with these perceptive incidents. Where others saw a paralyzed man, Jesus saw faith. Where others saw a political traitor, Jesus saw a new disciple. Where others saw crowds of harassing people, Jesus saw people being harassed. Where others saw sinners, Jesus saw people in need of mercy.

Being in Christ Jesus, God has taught me to be mindful.

One sees a stupid comment as an annoying challenge; but I saw it as a troubled soul with too much worry saying the wrong things at the wrong time.

One sees an incompetent gesture in the past does not deserve forgiveness – that a leopard does not change its spots; while I see the little effort of trying to make amends is the sign of the beginning of a repented soul.

Yes – humans tend to repeat their mistakes. My experience reading the bible (even though I still have not fully cover it all in detail) shows me that history tend to repeat itself.

But that doesn’t mean there is no turn around.

If the Bible is recording historical incidents in the New Testament and Jesus did walk on earth (and not merely a fairy tale like others perceived), then I believe the goodness of God that leads to repentance (the change of mind) is true, and it can still work in modern days.

I am believing that the goodness of God will keep leading to people like Zacchaeus (for example) and anyone who has done so much wrong in the past, to turn around into a new leaf if they would let God renew them.

But who will be the agents who shows God’s intention now that Jesus no longer walks on earth in His physical form?

A new commandment I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so also you must love one another. By this all men will know that you are My disciples, if you love one another.
by Jesus – in John 13: 34 – 35

Those who believed and followed Him

We who are accepted and redeemed from our past failures are the only vessels left in this darken world that amplifies compassion towards those who think they are undeserved; who would see through Jesus’ eyes instead of our own.

Some might even say that we are some softie ready to be devoured by those who would take advantage of our kindness.

But who is to say that there will not be someone out there who truly needed a positive push to set back to the right track; just like how Jesus gave Zacchaeus and opportunity to mend right for what he has done wrong?

I can’t say that I am mastered the skill of the Master‘s heart in compassion; but at least I am willing to learn and improve with wisdom.

And I believe this is how love is, real love can be manifested.


Rest – the Song that Brings a Soul’s Journey Home to Love

Finally, I have a bit of time writing again…

It has been an overwhelming journey since last week when I took on the challenge to be part of the D101 team of Bob Fitts for a memorable weekend praise and worship.

As those who have been reading my post many would have known the last 1 1/2 years has been nothing but tons of challenges but one by one, God pulled me through.

The last 11 years with the LORD has been nothing but colourful.


This is especially when you get to learn so much from the renown yet humble missionary + song writer who rocks the world with the songs God inspired him to write.

I’ll just skip the technical part on how we learn 15 songs of harmonizing until we narrow down the right few songs just enough to bring healing and restoration to congregations who just needed that bit of rest in Jesus…

…and come into my personal journey of assurance and love that God has given me that I would like to share with you through this magnificent weekend.

You see, last weekend was not just another awesome worship experience for me.

Rewind back to 2002, when I was first invited to attend a cell home-fellowship, my closest friend and someone I loved so much on this earth was deployed after 9/11; and during one of our conversations, as concerned as I was about his well-being, this was something he shared with me.

2 Corinthians 12:9
9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.

Don’t worry, God will take care of me…

right before his tour of duty started.

And that was the beginning of my own journey seeking this one God Who would take care of my bestie whom I love so much; and how I was redeemed by my Lord and my Saviour.

Fast forward 12 years has passed, I never could really express this verse, how much His Grace, Christ Jesus is efficient during the time of my journey in life overcoming one mountain after another; while my heart yearn after God to keep His promise my bestie put his trust in that one verse…

Until last week when (uncle) Bob decided to pick this song for the congregation. A simple yet powerful lyric amplifying the scripture 2 Corinthians 12:9 and what Jesus has said:

“Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest.”
Matthew 11:28

And in written in this way:

I rest in Your love

My strength comes from You alone

Your grace in more than enough

You are the fountain for my thirsty soul

You are everything that I need

My all sufficient King

I rest, I rest

In your love


This song didn’t really hit me hard during practice until when I was just resting and letting the melody and the plucking of the acoustic guitar, suddenly I was brought back into my memory…

…when I stormed up to a (quite famous) chapel and made God promise that He’ll look after my bestie because he’s His child.

During that time, I was not even a Christian myself; but I could still vividly remember when I walked down the staircase back to the car after a good hard cry, the peace (that surpasses understanding) was just flowing in me.

From that memory, a still calm voice came to my heart:

Didn’t I say I’ll look after him?

At that very moment, both Friday and Saturday session, my heart was just melted and walls of fear (that kept trying to build up from time to time during times of adversities) just broke away into dust.

I hope this song and the YouTube of the song I share with you here brings you your personal encouragement and assurance for those who are seeking rest and truth, that you are loved and

… everything is going to be ok

If you have personally encountered your experience of such I do welcome you to share with me at the comments (or feel free to write about it and share the link here too).

I hope you have enjoyed reading and assured, as much as I have enjoyed preparing it.